wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
