Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
