I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Operation Purity has been aborted
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Be still, my beating vagina.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Holy sore nipples Batman
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
