My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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