mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
