if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
