kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
