woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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