i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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