The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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