Plan B is the new Plan A
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
