I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
