My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
