Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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