Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
