Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
