I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
