What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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