Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
