I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
