yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
