remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
