She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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