Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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