Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
