i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
