everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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