oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
