If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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