mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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