It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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