his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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