The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You made out with two different species that night
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
