I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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