Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Randomize
