I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
