It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
