Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
