yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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