everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
