its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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