Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
