remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
