wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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