you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
