My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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