i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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