Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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