My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
