No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Randomize
