Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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