Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
